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Managing
Difficult People
We
all find ourselves in situations where we have to manage
"difficult" people. Whoever they are (work colleague, a
relative, a client or an ex partner) the situation can be debilitating or
simply irksome. Workplace, domestic or school bullying are at the
"hard" end of managing difficult people while annoyance about
grumpy colleagues is the day-to-day situation for many people.
Whatever
your situation the following information could help enormously in equipping
you to improve your situation.
Firstly
- some basic principles:
Understand
that it is not your responsibility to change difficult people.
Know
that you are not responsible for their behaviour. They are responsible
for their behaviour.
Accept
that you cannot change difficult people – however you can change how
you deal/respond to them.
Recognise
who has the problem - get the Difficult Person Indicator Quiz
and you will clearly see where the problem lies - the quiz is included
in the articles eBook which is free and you can get it right now by
clicking here.
How
you respond to them lets them know whether or not they can continue to
behave badly around you. So it is really important to do some work on your
vulnerable areas. If you lack confidence, suffer from poor self-esteem and
don’t believe in yourself, then you are at even greater risk of responding to
difficult people in such a way that they will continue to treat you
poorly.
The best way to manage
difficult people is to make it hard for them to treat you badly.
Here
are a number of ways you can do this.
1.Structure
your life so that you
do not have to see them (where possible) and refuse to speak to them
verbally. (Eg ex partners) And insist if they have something to say to
you, to put it in writing. You have a right to be communicated with
respect and within your limitations. No verbal conversations means no
verbal conversations – you may have to be very determined to achieve
this one!!
2.Talk
to someone you trust
about what is happening. (Someone who will not judge you, betray your
confidence, try to fix you or lecture you -Getting another perspective from such a person is always really
helpful.)
3.Say,
“Excuse Me!” You
may need to say this several times, before they understand you are
questioning how they are speaking to you rather than just what they are
saying.
4.Ask
for an explanation. Say
“Please Explain your reasons for saying what you just said”.
(unkind / negative comment etc). The person who made the comments, rather
than responding to your request directly might deflect it, ignore it or
say they were only joking etc.
Whatever
their response you can then say: “The only reason that I can think of
as to why you would say such a thing is to make me feel bad about myself.
Was that your intention?”
You will
find this a very powerful process, as the person is confronted by the
intent of his or her own behaviour by your question. Their response to you
may not change immediately but it will probably change – especially if
you continue to enquire into their intentions each time they use “put
down” tactics.
5.Never
make a decision straight away. When
asked for a decision by a difficult person. Even if you are 100% sure of
your answer, if you haven’t considered your response away from them
always say you will need to think about it and will get back to them.
Making a decision straight away to get that person “out of your face”
or to please them, will very often only have you kicking yourself later
etc and if you have to change your decision it could be very difficult.
They most probably will not be as obliging as you were/are.
6.Assertiveness
classes can be very
good, but if you lack the conviction of belief in yourself you will most
probably also lack the confidence to utilise any assertiveness skills
training. And this may have you feeling even more frustrated, angry and
disappointed in yourself. (So be sure to work on self esteem and self
respect first.)
7.Change
how you see yourself
and you will automatically change how others see you. This point is the
crucial factor in managing difficult people. Undertake a program that will
strengthen your emotional intelligence, i.e. sense of self, self-respect
and self-esteem. With increased emotional intelligence and belief in
yourself your assertive response to negative people becomes
instinctual. You don’t have to think about what you are going to say.
With your increased emotional intelligence/self esteem your response will
automatically reflect that you feel positively about yourself, clearly
demonstrating your strong belief in yourself and your non-acceptance at
being treated poorly. The difficult person will most likely back off and
find an easier target. You may find the information about Breakthrough
Meditation helpful – see the attached sheet or the website at the bottom
of this page.
8.Believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself more, you
are confident and comfortable with who you are. You relate differently to
those around you. You are more assertive and in your power. You are less
likely to be dragged down by self-doubt, guilt or the feeling that it is
your fault and you deserve to be treated badly.
9.Increase your Emotional Intelligence Higher
self-esteem/emotional intelligence equips you to deal with new or
difficult situations and difficult people, more effectively. You have a
greater awareness as to what is going on and can see whose problem it
really is and respond accordingly. You watch, listen and learn more
effectively. You assess situations intuitively, getting a gut feel for a
person. You observe them in action with other people and monitor how they
respond to events. Use the “Difficult Person Indicator Quiz”
in the free eBook as
a guide during this stage.
10. Respond
Assertively. From
there you can start to come to some fairly accurate conclusions as to
where that a person is coming from so you know what to do and how to
respond. I.e. Do you want to get close to them or keep your distance?The sooner you become aware of potential difficult people, the
better able you are to manage you’re responses to them. This helps in
avoiding ugly conflict and painful encounters at a later stage, because
they know where they stand with you. Be assertive and make it very clear
to them what is an acceptable manner to relate to you in. This only needs
to be done a few times. Difficult people only intimidate or bully people
where they can get away with it.
We
hope you have found this article useful. If you would like a copy to use
privately or in your practice/business we will send you a pdf version to
print and copy (Click
here).
We simply ask that you always
retain our names and website details on all copies.
We often approach the relationship issue back to front. We have a concept in our mind that the “right” relationship will make our lives work better. Or if we are in a relationship we feel that if we get it working better our lives will be much more comfortable. The fact is that neither of the above statements are true. Our relationships are a symptom of our lives they don’t cause anything in our lives - with one exception - our relationship with ourselves. It is only here in our relationship with ourselves that true change can be made in any other relationship.
If we are not comfortable with ourselves then no one else can be comfortable with us. If we do not like ourselves then we can never truly accept any one else liking us. We need to be able to accept who we are before anyone else has any chance of accepting us. A simple example: If you are in a time of low self esteem and not really caring for yourself, believing yourself to be somewhat worthless then you are definitely not a walking talking example of the person that you would want to be in a relationship with - Right? So is the right person going to be there for you? I don’t think so. You would only attract someone with the same level of self esteem as yourself and that is the last thing that you need!
There is no relationship out there that will make your life work. It is your life working that will produce the relationship that you want.
Only you can make your life work. When you have made your life work then a symptom of your life working will be the relationship of your dreams. You need to become the right person for you to live with before you have any real chance of being the right person for anyone else to live with.
The right relationship is within you. If you are looking for Mr or Ms Right then you will look for ever and not find them. Get OK about who you are and you won’t even need to look for them - they will have already arrived.
I see confusion as a positive process. It is my perception that we all create our reality and that we create the confusion in our lives. We do this for very good reasons. If we understand those reasons we can begin to understand what we are achieving by being confused.
Confusion is like a fog isn't it? Some issue or aspect of our lives becomes foggy and we have difficulty getting clarity about it - it seems that the more we try to clear up the confusion the worse it gets!!
Perhaps that’s why we have put the issue in the fog - so that we won't get an answer there!
Perhaps at this time in our lives the answers we most need are somewhere else. We may well be avoiding something that really needs our attention at this time.
For Example: If what we need at this time in our lives is to resolve issues regarding personal relationships - and we are avoiding that and attempting to validate ourselves by being successful in business - then it would be understandable if business issues became confusing and we had difficulty being clear about how to progress our career and find a clear direction in the business area.
I suggest that if you have confusion in your life the following strategies will be the fastest way to clear it up:
Accept that the confusion is a good thing and that it will stay there until you don't need it any more. Decisions are ready to be made only when the answer have become obvious. If there is no obvious answer - leave it alone till there is.
Do no attempt to get rid of the confusion - just live with it as an aspect of your life at this time.
Ask yourself what aspect of your life really needs attention at this time. Is there something that you know needs attention and you know what you could be doing about it?. If nothing other than the confusion is apparent then just allow yourself to be confused. And faithfully attend to the next point below.
Look after yourself
- Treat yourself as an honoured guest in your own life for two or three weeks. Get to know yourself better. Get to know how you are Really feeling about life at this time.
Fully Implement
the 3 week "Change Your Life" strategy (Get it free click here) - by the end of this three week process you will have much greater clarity about who you are and what you need. You will probably no longer need confusion to keep you from going in a direction that is not the best one for you at this time. You will probably be able to have your cake and eat it too - because what you were confused about is no longer a diversion from what your needs are. Back to the example above: you will be able to move forward clearly in your business/career interests because you will have now undertaken the work necessary in the relationship area.
So the short answer to the confusion question is: Chill Out and just look after yourself and let the confusion be there.
The most mind bogglingly successful business move is worth nothing if your not happy about who you are on the inside.
If
we are to be successful in business, we want all the information possible
made available to us, before we make important decisions.The more information we have the more confident we feel about what
steps to take next. We carefully plan and strategise in our business, we
look at our strengths and weakness’s, get expert advice, make the
necessary changes to adapt to the ever-changing business environment. We
constantly invest in our business and review what is and isn’t working,
to ensure it remains successful and reaches its full potential.
Applying those same principles.
How many of us review ourselves daily
and look out our “trends”. How many of us invest in ourselves so that
we reach our full potential? Why are we willing to take on extra
responsibility for our career or business, but not ourselves? Are we not
worth it? After all we never stop being ourselves, we can’t retire, get
sacked or transferred from ourselves. We
are all we have and so wouldn’t it be a good idea to know who we are and
invest in ourselves?…… Wherever we go, we’ll still be there.
Making a different choice.
Many of us are aware of the
incongruence of this aspect of our lives, and yet continue to exist in it.
Being wise and having the capacity to act on that wisdom are two
very different things. Increasing our emotional intelligence brings us
into realignment with the wise part of ourselves. It gives us the capacity
to act on its wisdom, make a different choice and create a better quality
of life.
Caring for Ourselves.
High levels of consciousness combined
with low levels of emotional intelligence means that quite often what we
say and do are out of alignment. We know we shouldn’t smoke, drink or
work excessively, eat junk food, etc because its bad for us, but we do
anyway. Increasing our emotional intelligence means we are able to put our
insights and wisdom into action, making them apart of our lives. Therefore
over time as our emotional intelligence continues to increase we feel less
like smoking, drinking or working excessively or eating junk food.
Reaching our potential.
When we increase our emotional
intelligence we bring our ideas into our reality- this has a ripple
effect, pervading all areas of our life. Our perceptions of ourselves
change positively. We value and care about ourselves more. We are more
inclined to invest in ourselves make positive choices about
our state of being and reach our full potential.
